Looking back..

I have this bad habit of looking back at the things I have done or said over the past years. I'm calling it a bad habit mainly because I look at my actions and tell myself, and the three other voices in my head, that there couldn't have been anything more stupid that I could've done. Somehow, I always feel that whatever I did, even if it was an action resulting out of a well-thought out decision, I'd curse myself and beg the voices to deliberate more the next time.

All this anti-myself things would only result in more introspection and more delays in making even the simplest of decisions. My process, as already pointed out by some people at key points in my hateful life so far, is terribly SLOW and needs to pick up speed. On the other hand, those voices don't really understand the need for speed and start arguing for ages strung together.

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The toilet has always been my escape pod. My toilet back home, as emphasised previously, has been my epiphany-pot and has helped me many a time. Somehow, when I am inside the toilet on a sunday morning, taking my own sweet time (sometimes hours), just to poop and take bath, I am in a different world. A world where nobody tells me it's time to submit this, call her, go there, buy that, deliver that there, pay this there, post that etc etc. That world feels like it is a few light years away, unable to disturb me.

When I am in the other world, a world where all I do is think about things, take decisions, introspect and more, I am connected to the real world only by those thoughts, those intricate strands that are perilously thin but inevitably present.

I am not homesick. If you associate homesick to wanting to go back home for the food or people, I am not homesick. On the contrary, I am toiletsick. I want to spend time in my toilet, my epiphany booth, my teleporter to the other world. Sometimes I feel that the toilet has a voice of its own, telling me things and arguing with the other voices in my head. Maybe that voice has gained permanence in my head.