Sunday, 28 November 2010

As cathartic as I get..

I find it absolutely strange that when you worry about someone, it's called caring and feeling concerned and being a human and things, but when you worry about yourself, it's self-loathing, self-hatred and you need serious help.

Why shouldn't I have the right to treat myself as I'd treat someone else when it comes to handling emotions? Why should I depend on someone else for something that I am perfectly capable of doing to myself? (That isn't for what you think it is, focus now!) Hypocrisy? I think not.

That said, I'd go out of my way to lend an ear to anyone who wants to just vent out stuff. I don't care that people don't bother to reply to, frankly, what I consider to be a favour, albeit a small one. I don't expect them to, not of late anyway.

More often than not, I spend my time wondering why I feel the way I feel. Why I feel this certain trite and disconcerting feeling that makes me wonder if I am in the bottom of a huge and inescapable pit. Days or even weeks later, that feeling disappears, some fleeting moments of joy happen, which I happily exaggerate and tell myself that it is great that such things are making me happy. Like that day, when I felt uncontrollably happy just because I had, by any normal human's standards, a decent day. I told myself that that particular day was the best I had in a while and the best I would have in a long time to come. That made me feel good.

Am I ok with lying to myself? Not quite. But then again, I know it's a lie. A lie ceases to be a lie when it fails to evoke the false emotions it's supposed to. I try and treat this not as a lie, but as an excuse. After all, I do have the right to feel happy. A right that I seem to take for granted. Is happiness supposed to be earned? If so, how should one go about it? Are ten days of feeling absolutely dejected enough to grant you a day of happiness? Is that how the balance is supposed to work? Give a bit of this and get a bit of that?

Questions. So many fucking questions. Questions that make me want to break my head into a billion pieces just to render the questions themselves extinct. Why do rhetorical questions exist?

Either there needs to be an earth shattering situation/event/occurrence that'd permanently pivot my life or the status quo continues. Faith isn't an argument. It can't be. The thing is, I am happy with my current state of existence. I wouldn't call it survival; I'd have to be fighting something for it.

Probably the only thing I'm fighting against is that happy taboo, then again, everybody is.

5 comments:

Rachit Anand said...

wow!!! must agree i am blown away... but then i came back to my current "happy state" to analyse ur self imposed "catharsis"
If life was just about two emotions (happiness and sadness) then trust me many of us would have ended this shallow existence way back, i would have been the leader in this. What i am trying to say is that even the feeling of cold winter breeze by your face while riding a bike is worth a million moments of happiness. It cant be termed as happiness or might not cut out as a happy day in ur record books, but it is non the less a human emotion which you cant ignore.
If not the conventional happiness, then look for other (in my experience better) emotions u d like to indulge in.
Just a suggestion, din mean it to be this didactic.
Neway adios...

Prianca said...

Wow...I'm absolutely surprised to see such a post coming from you karthik.
I dont have any deep, intellectual thoughts or wisdom bytes to share on this one. I will only say that happiness is not by circumstances but by choice.

Its a choice you make, not a prize you earn after having been subjected to several days of misery.
So, no, thinking that now it is my time to be happy simply coz I've been sad for too long just doesnt cut it.
As cliched as it might sound, its true that you choose to be happy. You choose to be happy by appreciating little things in life and not by worrying over the shit which life offers.
Life will give you disappointments everyday, though the same cannot be said about surprises.

So, you expect nothing -
if shit happens, you deal with it!

If something good/nothing bad happens - you appreciate it.Take it as a pleasant surprise and such lil suprises is all it takes to keep us happy. That is if we choose to be. :))

ladyashlee said...

I really liked this blogpost. Especially that last line.

I often wonder about happiness, and the things that are meant to make us happy as opposed to the things that actually do. There seems to be a vast gulf between the two, don't you think?

:)

Karthik.H said...

@Rachit
True, the grey area exists.. But think about it dude.. Are we ever there? Do we ever stay in that grey area between happiness and sadness? If we aren't happy, we are quick to dismiss that and say that we aren't sad, but not happy either.. But does that state exist or is it something we create just to be that optimistic asses like always?

@Ash
Yep.. a gulf bigger than anything we know.. :)

Sayak said...

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are."
- Arthur Golden